ALF just discovered this rant section. What a great idea it is!
Abilene sucks. When ALF was a child there in the 1970s, ALF found Abilene to be a horrible place full of violent, angry humans. Being a weak skinny toothpick in stature, ALF got their ass kicked by Abilene's teachers, bully school kids, and, when home, by family members and neighborhood bullies.
ALF’s drunken Army sergeant pappy was gone before ALF was 8. Too bad Ho Chi Minh didn't shoot him. ALF’s mammy, in order to escape her drunken mammy and the orphanage, hooked up with the first bastard that pawed at her. The four kids were bargaining chips that ALF’s mammy used to secure herself that steady Army paycheck, free military doctors, and a ride out of Pennsylvania. (For ALF’s pappy insisted on kids as a condition of marriage.)
After having his way, daddy-o dumped the five in Abilene to scrap for a living. Boy was ALF’s mammy pissed, and she took it out on her kids, but mostly ALF. Every day, in concert with Abilene, she was beating ALF for something, telling ALF that ALF was stupid, taking any money ALF might have earned from odd jobs. Mammy, along with Abilene, firmly implanted her poison in ALF’s heart. Abilene taught ALF vocabulary and attitudes that included nigger, beaner, faggot, kike. ALF’s school grades suffered. ALF was barely literate and emotionally retarded by high school graduation. ALF had an explosive temper. ALF was cruel to animals. ALF stuttered badly. ALF trusted nobody. ALF was never told ALF had value. ALF was never taught some sort of inventory of survival skills with which ALF could navigate the adult world. And how could ALF’s mammy do the latter? She was a dropout, and her best financial move was fucking ALF’s pappy. ALF was laughed at, left out, despised.
There was never any help for ALF, even though some Abilene adults knew about ALF’s suffering. They were too apathetic to do anything about it. ALF was left to think something was genuinely wrong with ALF, deserving of the punishment.
ALF escaped Abilene by enlisting in the military. ALF was gone for decades, moving about the USA, gathering experience, skills, learning, judgement, wisdom, maturity, healing. ALF earned a degree in science.
One day out of the blue ALF got a letter in the mail from mammy. She needed help. Can you believe that shit? She kicks ALF’s ass, and now she's crying for her child? ALF returned to Abilene, seeking some answers, wondering if ALF had any family that gave half a damn about ALF. What a mistake that was! ALF’s mammy's only interest in ALF was ALF’s labor and ALF’s money, picking her bitching up where she left off when ALF was 14. And Abilene was just as shitty as ever.
ALF was there for two winters, working at a few places, scrubbing potties at a college on the south side, building boats, teaching some in the public schools, and machining sprockets. You people have serious problems conducting your daily business. You bastards ran ALF off those huge, nearly empty boulevards as ALF bicycled to work every morning. Racial and religious bigotry hang in the Abilene air like a foul stench. Every boss was on a belligerent power trip, demanding that ALF work overtime upon command, that ALF do the work of other lazy people in addition to ALF’s own workload. ALF gave excellent quality labor and lots of it for the minimum wage you maggots paid ALF. ALF anticipated needs. ALF offered good ideas that would improve the workplace production. ALF offered to transmit ALF’s skills to improve ALF’s peer's efficacy. But you bastards immediately rejected, being too comfortable in your mediocrity and failure. You never thanked ALF once, spending your energy instead on finding some flaw about which to bitch. You denied ALF’s earned benefits. You destroyed any progress ALF made for you. You would say the most hostile things about an employee when they left the room. You were unable to conduct the most basic workplace functions on any civil level.
Fantastically, you go to church on Sunday and pray to a god of love for wisdom, compassion, and the chance to be his instrument of good will. On Monday morning, you're back at each others' throats. Never once did ALF meet anybody there that had any level of learning, curiosity, ability, or deportment that inspired ALF to listen and learn. Instead, ALF found the "Friendly Frontier" to be populated with slaves to the great triumvirate of American life: the next line of credit, the next can of beer, and getting your ding dong damp.
In 2008, ALF took leave, letting cancer do to my mammy, what ALF have long, long wanted to do to her for grinding up a terrified, defenceless child, leaving him to repair all that damage on his own at ruinous expense, but the law prevented. Now, ALF viciously wish cancer and diabetes upon you obese rodents as your open social sewer decays in infrastructure and economics; as the Wal Marts and Exxons of the world suck away your capital assets; as organized religion snuffs out your spirit; as the jaws of your mental poverty grip you with dissatisfaction, boredom, and fear; and as a corrupt draconian political body, city, county, and state levels, cripples your future.
Don't think ALF stomp around the earth a hurting victim/survivor of you; you can't have that kind of power over ALF. Be sure, I'm laughing at you. ALF laugh when ALF hear about your floods. ALF laugh at your religion when ALF recalls the three girls ALF knew that were raped by your Sunday school teachers. (Two were sisters whose rapist was their father. The Nazarene church there kept him in the organization while keeping the girls quiet by blaming them. Your cowardly civil authorities knew about it but did nothing.) ALF laughs when ALF hear about your anti-abortion Nazis tightening the noose of theocratic health policies around your women's necks. ALF laugh when your public officials take your tax money and give it to illegal aliens. ALF laugh when Abilene's poor business acumen and unskilled labor pool repulses prospective industries/jobs. This keeps you desperate. ALF laugh when ALF hear about that huge hospital, merely a leech on your revenue, butchering another patient. ALF laugh when the sons and daughters of Texas in our military are raped and shot as they participate in our barbaric wars. (The American military is a safe haven for sexual predators. And not just the female soldiers get raped. So, when Johnny comes marching home, check his butthole for government grants; he may have been some gunny sergeant's bitch.) ALF laugh when ALF hear about your teen aged vandals rampaging in the midnight streets, tearing up your property. ALF laugh at the common Abilenian that hemorrhages his money into mortgages, car loans, credit card debt, insurance policies, child support, divorce, and all sorts of foolish pleasures. This anchors you to your jobs and your abusive employers. ALF do not waste ALF’s money on such things; ALF save it. This makes it easy for ALF to trash a thuggish boss, go slurp coffee at a peaceful shop, then find another job at ALF’s leisure. ALF draws job security from ALF’s rich reservoir of talent and ability to adapt. ALF laugh the laugh of a free man that speaks his mind and moves about as he pleases.
ALF marvel at ALF’s ability to repair a jet engine; to rebuild a diesel engine; to rewire, re-plumb, remodel a house; to quickly learn computers, machining, or any other discipline that might interest ALF. ALF honed ALF’s cooking and baking skills in the restaurant industry. ALF's a highly skilled carpet cleaner. ALF can lay a floor finish worthy of Buckingham Palace. ALF’s proud to say that ALF can intelligently discuss history, art, and science. And ALF enjoys their abilities to use their simple tool box to turn the things you throw away into cash. ALF is always absorbing good ideas and superior philosophies. ALF’s narcotic is learning.
ALF’s happy. Your misery is quite palpable, on the other hand. You have earned one another's company.
In this letter you have your answer to why those Mideastern gunmen are shooting at you and have you on their hit list. You export your belligerence to foreign people who have wronged you less than ALF have then brag about the power of your bombers. I am of the mind to email Abilene's longitude and latitude to Iran in anticipation of their nuclear capabilities. Don't get the idea that ALF’s just one of those crazed Columbine shooters. That, McVeigh and 9/11 were small potatoes; they had survivors. ALF does not bother with such minutiae. ALF wants to see Abilene incinerate under Hell's nuclear mushroom cloud, the ashes stuffed into a cannon and shot into deep space. Alas, ALF won't have much luck with that. Abilene can't compete with the too many juicy American targets in terrorists' gunsights.
Perhaps ALF’s high school vocabulary and composition slipped your inbred brains. So, then, let ALF close with a nugget of verbiage Abilene taught ALF long ago that you're sure to get: fuck you all.
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